Post-Christmastime in Internet-Tech-Support-Land

ring…ring…ring

tech:  Thanks for calling tech support, how may I help you?

Person-who-doesn’t-understand-the-purpose-of-internet-tech-support:  Hey, I’m having problems with your damn internet.

tech:  I’m sorry to hear that.  What kind of problems are you having?

Person:  Yeah, I got a new Blu-ray player for Christmas and I’m supposed to be able to stream movies from online to my TV.

tech: Okay.

Person: Well, it’s not working.

tech: Okay, so your internet isn’t working?

Person: Not on the Blu-ray player.

tech: So… is your internet working on your computer?

Person: Yeah, it’s working there, but it’s supposed to work on the Blu-ray player too.  I swear, your guys’ internet sucks!

tech: … uh… okay… so how do you have the Blu-ray player hooked-up to the internet?

Person: I don’t know.  Aren’t you tech support?  Shouldn’t you know that?

tech: … I’m afraid I don’t know how you would have hooked the Blu-ray player up to the internet.  Did you run a wire from your router to the player or is it WiFi?

Person: See, you guys always go talking all techie.  I’m not technical.  Can’t you just send someone out to get this damn thing working?

tech: … to hook up your Blu-ray player?

Person: No, to wash my dog.  Of course to hook up my Blu-ray player.

tech:  The company that you purchased the Blu-ray player doesn’t have someone available to install it for you?

Person:  Yeah, but they want to charge me like 35 bucks to have someone hook it up.

tech: … okay… that would probably be cheaper than having us send a tech out.  Usually we charge $45 for a service call.

Person:  What the hell!  You’re gonna charge me?

tech:  Well, your internet is working and you are just needing your Blu-ray hooked up…

Person:  But your internet is not working on the Blu-ray!

tech:  I understand that, but the internet is getting to your house.  We can help you hook up the Blu-ray player, but there would be a service call fee…

Person:  What in the hell am I paying you for every month?

tech: … to get the internet to your house.

Person:  That’s a bunch of crap!  Screw that!  I swear, your internet sucks!  You’re just gonna help me over the phone!

tech:  I’d be more than happy to…

Person:  Damn right you’re gonna help me!

tech:  … okay… so how is the internet getting to the Blu-ray player?

Person:  If the internet was getting to the Blu-ray player, would I have called you?

tech: … so how is the internet supposed to get to the Blu-ray player?

Person:  I’m not sure I like your tone!

tech:  … my tone?

Person:  Don’t get all smart-assy with me!

tech:  This conversation is going in completely the wrong direction.  I just want to help you get your Blu-ray working…

Person:  Then why don’t you get your ass in a car and get over to my house and hook-up the stupid thing?

tech:  … so how is the internet supposed to get to your Blu-ray player?

Person:  How am I supposed to know?

tech:  Didn’t it come with any sort of instructions?

Person:  Oh great, so you expect me to read the stupid manual?  Come on, I don’t have that kind of time!  Don’t you know about this kind of stuff?

tech:  I’m afraid I really don’t have any sort of training on Blu-ray players.  I’m going to need some help from you to get the Blu-ray player working.

Person:  Well, that’s just fine!  And I guess I’m just going to have to charge you 45 bucks for the help!

tech:  … so… you want to charge me $45 to help me set up your Blu-ray player?

Person:  Damn straight!  See, now it makes sense for you to get off your lazy ass and come hook it up, doesn’t it?

tech:  I’m sorry, it really doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to help you today.  Does the manufacturer of the Blu-ray player have a phone number that you can call for tech support?

Person:  Now you’re just gonna blow me off!?!  That’s just great!  I swear, your internet sucks so bad!

tech:  But your internet is working.  We are getting the internet to your house and it is working on your computer, which is the service you are paying us for.  The fact that you can’t get your Blu-ray player to work seems like it may be more of an issue for the manufacturer of…

Person:  “I can’t get”… seriously, “I can’t get”!  Whose internet is this anyway?

tech:  Well… uh… it’s yours… isn’t it?  I mean, we provide it to you but…

Person:  It’s your stupid internet, and you can have it!  I want you to cancel my service!

tech:  Great!  So when can we deinstall the equipment?

Person:  … slow down, there, Speed Racer.  I don’t understand why you can’t just send someone out here to hook this stupid thing up?

tech:  For $45, we can.  The company that actually made money on the sale of the Blu-ray player… the company you actually paid for the device… is going to charge you to hook the player up for you.  I don’t understand why you are getting upset with me… a representative of your internet provider… and your internet is working… when you should be complaining to the company you bought the Blu-ray player from!

Person:  … sighthat’s why I’m on the phone with you.  That’s exactly what the Blu-ray store said about my internet provider… that you should be willing to do it for free.  Doesn’t anyone know how to offer customer service any more?

tech:  …

Person:  Screw it… I’ll have the Blu-ray store do it.  They’re cheaper.

tech:  Okay, thanks for calling.  If you have any internet issues, or if the Blu-ray tech needs some phone support setting up the player, please…

click

don’t hesitate to call. 

The tech slowly places the phone’s handset in its cradle.  Immediately the phone bursts into a spasm of rings.  Old lady Keller is calling on line one needing help setting up the router the grandkids got for her, and old lady Keller is half-blind and in a wheelchair.  Mr. McHenry is calling on line two.  Mr. McHenry got a new laptop for Christmas and needs help setting up his email, and Mr. McHenry doesn’t know the difference between an email client and potato salad.  Billy Thomas is ringing through on the third line.  Little Billy is 8-years-old… and he got an X-Box for Christmas… and his parents think it will be cute for him to call tech support and set-up his X-Box all by himself.

The tech looks at the throbbing purple-blue veins in his wrist… thump…thump…thump.  A letter opener catches the corner of his eye, and he reaches for it.  Feeling the edge of the opener’s blade, he realizes that it is barely sharp enough to open an envelope; it could never open a world of peaceful bliss.  His head falls to the desk calendar before him, and he weeps…


Stinking Technology!

Isn’t technology amazing?  Hasn’t it made daily life so much easier?  Nothing reduces stress like modern technology!

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First-thing on a typical Monday morning in Tech Support:

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Me: Thanks for calling tech support, how can I help you?

Little old lady on Phone (lol): My internet isn’t working.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that.  Let’s see if we can’t get it fixed for you.

Instant Message from new co-worker (im1): Hey, why would someone’s dealie tell them their network cable is unplugged?

Me: How long has your Internet not been working?

Me: What dealie?

Instant Message from old co-worker (im2): I got a weird one.  this guy can’t see anything on his screen.

lol: It hasn’t worked all morning.

im1: I don’t know, the little dealie in the bottom corner of the monitor.

Me: What do you mean “can’t see anything”?

Me: So it was working yesterday?

Instant Message from boss (im3): Did you get that equipment ordered?

im2: the screen is completely blank.

Me: Did you have them check their network cable?

lol: I didn’t use it yesterday.

Me: What equipment?

Text Message from the wife (text1): Can u grab a gallon of milk after work?

Me: The blue screen of death?

im3: the routers for the Schergenrader installation.

Me: When is the last time you used it?

im2: What network cable?

Me: Yeah, how come?

im2: no, it’s completely black

lol: I haven’t used it for a couple of weeks.

Me: I don’t know anything about the Scherkenderfer installation.

text1: I have to pick the boy up from school and won’t have time.

Me: The network cable going into the back of the computer from her router.

Me: What do you see on your screen right now?

im3: Maybe I forgot to tell you about it.  I need you to order 3 routers, next day, for the Schergenrader installation tomorrow.

Me: Are you sure there is power to the monitor?

Text Message from the boy (text2): Can u pk me up aftr skwl?

im1: OK, I’ll have her check that.

lol: Nothing.

Me: I’d have to order in the next 10 minutes to get it guaranteed by tomorrow.

im2: she says it is plugged in.

im1: The cable is connected, but the lights on her router aren’t on.

Me: I thought your mom was gonna pick you up.

text2: Mom g2 p u milk or sumtin

Me: So, your screen is just blue?

im3: Yeah, we really need them.  I’d order them, but I have an appointment to get my hair cut.  I’m already late.

Me: The boy is asking me to pick him up

lol: No, the screen is black

Me: Your mom asked me to get the milk, she said she was going to get you.  Could you work it out with her and let me know what I need to do.  I’m kind of busy.

text2: wrtg a novel?  L2 txt. uradrk 🙂

text1: no, I’ll get him.  You need to get the milk.

Me: I don’t know if I will have time.

Me: Can you work it out with the boy?  I’m kind of busy right now.  Just let me know what you guys decide and I’ll do whatever that is.

Me: How about we try pushing the power button?

Me: How about we try pushing the power button?

Me: How about we try pushing the power button?

Me: How about we try pushing the power button?

lol: What power button?

im1: Power button on what?

text2: That’s the longest text ever. uradrk ♥

im2: Push what?

im3: Power button?  What in the hell are you talking about?  Just get it done!

Me: The power button on the monitor.

Me: Make sure the router is plugged in.

Me: The power button on the monitor.

lol: Well what do you know.  Looks like that didn’t get turned on.  Looks like my internet is actually working.  Thank you.

im1: Oh, hey, it was unplugged.  Seems to be good now.

Me: Your welcome.

text2: Mom get me, u get milk

im2: Yeah, the monitor wasn’t turned on.  All is well.

text2: I’ll get the boy, you get the milk… just like I first wrote.

Me: Great

Me: Great

Me: Great

Me: Great

Me: Great

im3: “Great” what?  Are you smoking something funny?

Me: No, I mean, yes, I mean… never mind.  I’ll get the routers ordered.  Then I can start going through my email…

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Technology SUCKS!!!   Man, I miss my Blackberry…