Jan 07

Nothing says “sexy beast” like a dude in a CPAP mask.

Just ask me.

I mean, at any given point of the day I have multiple people comment on my sexy goodness, but check me out in the middle of the night when I’m all nose-hosed and compressurized.  The sight of me when I’m all CPAPed-up would turn any women to a state of weak-kneed, wanton lustfulness!

Just ask the wife.

Yeppers, CPAP has been the best thing to happen to my love life since… I mean the intimacy level in my bedroom has… well, uh, when the mask goes on, the romance…

Crap.

Who am I kidding…

Wearing a CPAP has helped me sleep better, and that’s it.  It has not been at all helpful in the hanky-panky department.

My life has been filled with self-doubt and low self-confidence.  I didn’t date in high school or college because I couldn’t expect some poor girl lose all self-respect for herself by being seen in public with me.  I kind of assumed that a kiss from me might actually turn the girl into a toad.  After college, I was lucky to meet the woman who is currently my wife.  She seemed to like me well enough, and she didn’t have any major issues with being seen in public with me.  She didn’t turn into a toad.  So, even with her glaringly obvious mental condition, I married her.

Now, in addition to being a rather unsightly fellow, I snore like a mother.  Yep, always have.  Roommates in college cringed at the thought of sharing a room with me.  If I had a dollar for every pillow thrown at me in the middle of the night, my wealth would put Warren Buffett’s to shame.  My wife, bless her, put up with it for more than a decade before she could take no more.

So, I have the sex appeal of Quasimodo, a snoring ferocity that would silence a caterwauling cat, and the love-making skills of a zombie on crack.  Yes, my wife is a lucky lady.

I figured that if I reduced one of the many negative traits that make up — you know — me, maybe I could score some points with the wife.  You know,  increase the frequency of the cracked-out zombie lovin’ just a bit.  Then I realized what the wife was looking at on the opposite end of the bed every night and morning…

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CPAP

COME TO ME, MY LOVELY...

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… and I realized that my previous thoughts and motivation were somewhat deluded.

Damn it.

Not only is a CPAP more effective than a chastity belt, it’s hella expensive to maintain.  My CPAP contraption is made by Philips.  You know, the light bulb people.  Apparently Philips isn’t raking in quite enough money selling light bulbs, because they try to rape you on the price of one of their CPAP machines.  I mean, seriously…  A CPAP machine is little more than a reverse vacuum cleaner that blows instead of sucks.  It’s got some kinda brain that registers when to blow and when not to.  My Droid X phone completes a hell of a lot more complicated tasks than my CPAP machine, but the Droid X cost a small fraction of what that stupid Philips thingie did.  Plus, I don’t have to buy outrageously priced replacement parts for my Droid X.  This little gasket thingie (I believe it’s referred to as a “cushion” in the screwlicious world of CPAP) costs $65:

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Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

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Seriously… 65 freaking dollars for a little piece of rubber.  And, you wanna take a wild guess at how long that little sucker lasts?  About a month.

Yeppers, one solitary month, or as they stay in China: 一個臭烘烘的一個月.

After about a month, the piece of crap starts to leak.  So, with the payments on the machine (we rent… ’cause that’s the way our insurance rolls), the monthly “cushion”, and the other cheaply made, outrageously prices parts and pieces that need to be purchased for this sucker on a regular basis, my CPAP therapy costs a small fortune every year to maintain.  I don’t know how people who aren’t on decent insurance can afford something like this (unless, of course, they are in that stupid 1%); oh wait… they can’t.  People who are uninsured or have crappy insurance get to die early because they can’t afford to treat their sleep apnea.  Well, we’re all better off without them, right?  Don’t believe me?  Just ask the 1%.

Oh sure, my sleep apnea is somewhat under control now.  I sleep better at night.  My wife sleeps better at night.  But, I will freaking look like this every night for the rest of my life:

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CPAP Zombie

... I SAID "COME TO ME!"

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Bet you’re gonna have nightmares now, aren’t you?  I do, and I’m sure the wife does too…

14 Responses to “Is that a CPAP on your face, or are you just happy to see me…”

  1. Kevin James Says:

    I got one too, and I’m in the trenches with ya. However, unlike you, I have yet to pimp out my umbilicus with a camo cover. Very cool. I have a new level to aspire to. Love your blog, btw, cracks me up.

  2. Doug Says:

    I have lived with my CPAP for years now and l now can’t sleep without it. However it is not tricked out with a cool camo hose cover like your unit. I am sure I need this accessory so no one can see the hose in the dark! Think my insurance will cover the upgrade?

  3. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Yeah, the tube cozy thing is a nice touch, huh? One of the dudes who owns the sleep clinic I get my supplies from has a daughter or something who makes them. They didn’t even give me a choice… I just got on with my CPAP unit. My insurance, however, did cover it :) It’s apparently more cozy to cuddle with (since you ain’t gonna be cuddling with your wife while you have the stupid thing on), and it prevents condensation in the tube… or something…

  4. Lee Says:

    Great. Now I want a CRAP of my own. Now its just a matter of the “good insurance” issue.

  5. Tim K Says:

    I’ve got over 10,000 hours on my CPAP now. I sewed my own hose cover cause I’m German and a poor insurance agent just makin ends meet. I missed you at over 40 church basketball again tonight. Have you tried the new Fish pills that are coated so you don’t burp it all day. That’s coming soon. Welcome to my world—the same kind of different as you.

  6. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Tim, Tim, Tim… I had to spell check and correct your comment before I authorized it. You don’t spell so good. You need to have your wife proofread your comments before you put them online. You know, these things are here in one form or another forever :)

    I know I dog on Germans a lot, but I’m afraid I got a lot of German in me too. I dog on insurance agents from time to time as well… no excuse for that one, it’s just fun.

    Yeah, I take me the fish pills… and the low-dose aspirin… and the lisinopril… and the multivitamins… and the vitamin c… and the super b complex… and the simvastatin… and the psyllium fiber… Good gravy, my gut is a living pharmacy.

    Thanks for reading my blog. You know, 50 is the top of the hill, so once you’re past 50 you are officially over it. I have a handful of years until I’m there. I can watch you to see exactly how much misery I have to look forward to. Guess at least it’s all a downhill ride, huh? :)

  7. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Lee… you’re pretty good at tinkering with stuff. Just get yourself a vacuum cleaner, make it blow instead of suck, and attach it to your mouth every night. Voilà! Redneck CPAP!

  8. Nancy Says:

    OK, this is just cracking me up. They tested me for sleep apnea and I was praying mightily that somehow I would sleep through the night and NOT need one of those elephant nose type contraptions on my face. Vanity? Yep, A tiny little bit is still left.

    So how are you feeling after being on it for awhile? Do you wake up with amazing energy? That’s the only part that made me consider it.

    And talk about expensive – when I had my sleep study done, I promptly got a bill for over $700 and a few days later, a (get this) one sentence report from the doctor. Here I slept for 8 hours with 30 electrodes and cameras on me all night, and for $700 I got, “The sleep study did not show any significant sleep apnea.”

    I was relieved that they didn’t try to set me up with Dumbo’s breathing machine. A little disappointed that I wouldn’t be waking up with a little extra pep in my step. And thoroughly ticked that I got such a measly report.

    But you know, I’m not bitter or anything.

  9. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Yeah, I snore like a beast without the mask. I actually had to start sleeping in the guest room. With the mask, I snore no more and can once again sleep in MY bed. Needless to say, sleep is about all that happens in MY bed… I mean, did you see me in that mask?

    Yes, I have more energy, and I actually sleep through the night. I used to get up several times during the night (which meant multiple midnight snacks to help me get back to sleep). Of course, you’d think the lack of those extra meals would help me drop some pounds… but you’d be incorrect :)

  10. guitar leassons Says:

    Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to
    see if it can survive a forty foot drop,
    just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is
    now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but
    I had to share it with someone!

  11. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Guitar lessons… thanks for the completely irrelevant comment. It’s cute… but it wasn’t cute enough to prevent me from removing your link 😉

  12. Chuck Says:

    Hi Adventurer Rich!

    Thanks for the good read! I swear I haven’t read such good writing on the web in a long, long time and I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute that I have wasted here at work reading your beautiful prose.

    For the record, I’ve been wearing a CPAP for the about the last year and I definitely think it has improved the quality of my life. I mean, I’m not sleepy all day because I’m actually sleeping at night. My girlfriend really did not like the way the machine has a way of exhausting a slight draft and complained about it so endlessly that I decided to give her the master bedroom and turn my living room into my bedroom. So now we sleep separately and you must be thinking, my god! His life has been ruined by that d*mn machine (I’m not a prude but I don’t want your web software to boot me so I put in that asterisk).

    Anyway, my sex life has actually increased dramatically since we moved into separate chambers which just goes to show that there may be a silver lining to this whole sordid affair. Needless to say, I don’t wear the mask when we “do it.”

    Also, you might consider trying a different mask, if you’re open to improving your own personal comfort. I never did like the mask that you show pictured on your blog. I prefer to use “nasal pillows” instead. They don’t cover the mouth but if that’s an issue, you can use a chin strap to seal that orifice.

    Anyway, thank you thank you thank you for filling the last couple hours with such great writing. You are a gem and certainly deserve an enormous audience and perhaps a Pulitzer Prize or two. But maybe you’ve already gotten one. Maybe you’re just trying to stay under the radar and avoid the problems that literary fame must inevitably bring to one’s life.

    Please do check out my website if you have a chance at chucksville.com . I don’t think I’m nearly as clever as you, or as observant and good-humored about life’s foibles, but I think we must be sharing a similar wavelength.

    Take care my friend and keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more!

    Sincerely,

    Chuck Reuben

  13. Adventurer Rich Says:

    Okay, Chuck, I’m looking at your comment and the first thing the pessimist in me says is, “This guy is making fun of you!” So I read the comment over and over. I go to your website and check out several of your posts. I come to the realization that if you are making fun of me, you are just using well-aimed sarcasm and not being a jerk. So thank you for reading and thank you for the kind words. I think we both know that someone who uses the word “crap” and overuses ellipsis as much as I do will never make anyone’s short list for a Pulitzer :)

    By the way, I did enjoy my journey to your site as well. I plan on visiting again, and I will sign your guest book in the near future. Thanks again for stopping by and taking the time to comment.

  14. show Says:

    i sign your blog because i m very like your history ,great blog you have ,terrrible story ..

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