Remember when you were a kid and you had all kinds of friends? Well, unless you were the kid who accidentally pooped the pants in 3rd grade during math and everyone knew about it; then you maybe didn’t have so many friends. Maybe you were the girl who had her first “Carrie” moment during 6th grade English, and none of the kids understood why you left school early, upset and crying; until someone spotted the evidence of the early dismissal on the seat of your chair… your adolescence may have been a little rough. Or you were the boy who got caught enjoying Baywatch just a little too much when you thought no one watching… you may have had a few rough years. But aside from those few sad instances indicative of the cruelty of other children, many kids have lots of friends. And as you grow from adolescence into high school and up through college, you make more and more friends. By the time you get out of college, you probably have tons of friends… and I’m not just talking acquaintances, but real friends… you know, the kind of people you wouldn’t hesitate to call if you needed a good bailing out of jail.
At this point, we’re set! We have a plethora of friends and a brand-spanking new education just waiting to be developed into a life-long career of happiness! Guess what happens to many of us then. We pack up our belongings and move half-way across the country and start completely fresh in a community where we don’t know a single soul! Sounds exciting, right? Sounds like a true adventure, doesn’t it? Yeah… not really. It sucks, and years later, you will find yourself pretty much friendless as you roll through mid-life.
When I first moved to the panhandle of Nebraska (almost 20 years ago), I figured I would fast make new friends. And right out of the gate, I met a few people my age and we became buddies. Considering that the people in this community are very cliquish (which is something I didn’t discover until later), I was lucky. One of these buddies actually introduced me to the woman who is now my wife. So, yeah, I thought I was on a roll. Now see, where the problem comes into play in my example is the fact that I moved to a community where the young people are anxiously leaving in droves. In the small town of Glasgow, MT where I grew up, all of the kids always talked about how they wanted to get the hell out of Glasgow and actually do something with their lives. Scottsbluff and Gering Nebraska are much the same. Kids see what their parents have accomplished living here, and the kids want nothing to do with it. The kids want to actually find some measure of success in their lives, so they bail on the communities at pretty much the first available opportunity. My problem: I moved in as everyone else my age was trying to get the hell out. I escaped from one community where all the kids and young adults wanted to get away to another community where all the kids and young adults wanted to get away. The destination of my escape was another destination from which to seek escape. Most of those original friends that I made when I moved here have long since found more fruitful paths in other areas of the country. There are still a couple in the area, and I really enjoy hanging out with them, but the second thing to come along and disrupt the friendship cycle is kids, and I’ve got them.
Having children is one of the most rewarding things that a person can do. I don’t want to make it seem otherwise. However, having kids puts a huge crimp in any sort of social life that you may desire. You aren’t able to go out in public nearly as much once you have kids, especially while they are young. You’re at home trying to catch some sort of rest and instill in your kids the basics of being a functioning member of society.
Then the kids hit school, and through school and other extra-curricular activities, you are forced to confront other parent of other kids who are pretty much in the same boat as you. Once again, you start forming some relationships. Maybe you find a church or other civic organization, and you begin attending regularly, and you form some relationships there as well.These relationships, however, are more along the lines of “strong acquaintanceships” than they are the true friendships you had in your youth. In other words, these are people who are fun to hang out with while the kids are off playing and whatnot, but these aren’t people you would feel comfortable calling to bail you out of the joint.
Even these strong acquaintanceships you have developed through the parents of your kids’ friends and through your civic activities (and maybe even co-workers from your job) soon seem to slightly dissipate as your kids grow even older and their activities seem to encapsulate more and more of your free-time.
My wife is from the panhandle. Once she finished college, she really never had a strong desire to leave. However, neither does she have a strong desire to stay. She is constantly telling me that if I can find us a life somewhere outside of the panhandle that would make me less… uh, “grumpy” would be a polite way to put it, I guess… she would be more than happy to make a move. She, however, actually has some of the friends from her past here. Not many (most moved away), but she is occasionally able to have a “girls night out” or get together for coffee with a friend or two. I still have a lot of really good friends, but, for the most part, they are spread out all over the nation. If it weren’t for Facebook, I probably wouldn’t even know where most of them are. They sure in the hell aren’t close enough to bail me out of jail, if the need were to arise.
So, what’s next? You got me. My kids actually have some true friendships, and they are doing well in the local schools (even though the schools tend to piss me off from time to time). I’d hate to disrupt their potential growth in a selfish effort to find some sort of friendship or contentment in my life, so moving isn’t the most attractive option at this point. Doesn’t mean that it won’t happen, just means it’s not the most attractive option. I try to keep in touch with the friends of my youth… at least those on Facebook.
I’m guessing that once my kids have joined the mass exodus of young people who leave the panhandle of Nebraska to better themselves in different areas of the country, the options for the wife and I will increase. We will be free to move wherever on God’s green earth we want to live. We will be short two mouths to feed as our college-educated boys head out into the world to try to figure out how in the hell they are ever going to repay all of those student loans. Of course, our bodies will have deteriorated even further, and God only knows what the status of our health will actually be in 10 or 15 years. I’m guessing that will be the next point in the cycle where new friends are made. We will probably find them at the clinics and doctor’s offices and pharmacies and, later, in the retirement communities. We will all sit around and reminisce about our kids, about the friends of our youth, and about all of the opportunities we probably missed by living in the panhandle of Nebraska.
Martin and I are really close to Lee and Amy…and before Lee was married or was married but without children, and Martin and I with kids it would seem as though we were stuck not getting to hang out because it was always…let’s go hang out, but “where can we find a babysitter to do that?” Now your nieces and our children are close and we find family things to do. :o) I have some close friends that have never left my side, but like you said, those friends from my childhood that I was so close to may be on FB, but that is about it..the relationship stopped being the same after a year away…
very true, good friends are hard to come by and one should keep in touch as much as possible
Seems to me that you are planning on possibly expecting to have to be bailed out of jail? Well, whatever you do, make it worth it.
2 observations of no use. 1st, you’ve never had a real problem. 2nd, every choice, from the time we are born to the time we die, comes with a cost; earth shattering, I know.
2 pieces of advice of probably no use. 1st, you are lucky to still be married and have kids that like you, if your family likes you. If you think you are giving now, you better give more to keep what you have. 2nd,when life hands you a real problem, you are going to look back and beg and pray for life to return to the moment you are in now.
One more thing, your dad’s observation that you sound bitter is correct. I would add whiny. I know a lot of divorced people that sound just like you and never sound any different until they’re dead.
Something about myself: I had nasty, asthma growing up. As a kid, anytime I wanted to do a kid thing, play, run, bike, dance; my lungs would shut down. Watch Richard Pryor’s shtick on having a heart attack and you get the idea.
My body basically said, “you think you’re going to have fun, oh no you’re not. In fact, I may kill you if I feel like it.” That’s how I know you’ve never had a real problem. Because anyone who gets away from a real problem doesn’t pick bitterness as a modus operandi. I lucked out, medicine improved. I had a divorce. I had little sweet girl, 2 years old, who needed 5 major, bone cutting surgeries to make it so she could walk on her own for the length of her life. It worked. So,
when people say to me and my husband, oh poor you, I know they haven’t spent 5 minutes in a children’s hospital. You want a reality check, volunteer at your local children’s hospital, then you will wake up and look at your healthy kids and spouse and dad, who seem to care about you, and hopefully cry your eyes out.
Some of your stuff is funny and useful, so keep it, and go ahead be bitter, but be bitter with some life awareness, a bigger picture.
I’m glad you didn’t become a teacher. My husband is a teacher and he loves it. We don’t need much to be happy, no big flat screen, no fancy SUVs, our sports are cheap and we love to sleep in during school vacations. We love our daughter and our dogs. We have friends that make us laugh.
Do you laugh? Your dad sounds funny. Kids are insanely funny. How come you’re not writing about your kids? Wives are funny. We’re nuts. We have the house, our jobs or volunteer like crazy, our relatives. Gosh. Where are you?
Warning: grown-up content, some bad words.
One Friday night, daughter at a sleep over.
Our oldest bachelor friend over for dinner.
My husband says: “I’m an asshole. You put up with so much. I’m such an asshole.”
I say: “That’s okay, honey, I can be a real bitch. I’m an awful bitch.”
Our friend says: “There you have it, true love, Asshole and Bitch, and their trusty dogs, F@#head and dumb as a post.”
Life is full of this wonderful stuff and you are missing it.
Megan, thank you for the comment. Seriously. You proved, through your comment, that you have read at least a couple of posts from my blog. I appreciate it. I’d write Happy Stinking Joy even if no one read it, but knowing that someone took time from his or her busy life to read my thoughts and reflections is gratifying.
About your observations: they are a little weak. The fact that you presume to know whether or not I have experienced a “real problem” based on a blog that I write from the perspective of a 40-something-year-old man (which I am) that focuses mostly on the “crap” that life dishes out (which I disclaim on my ‘About’ page) is… well… presumptuous. The purpose of the musings in this blog are to explain my experiences and thoughts of mid-life. I try to do so in an at least slightly-humorous way. Part of my purpose is to SHOW how the choices we make affect our later lives (have costs) by showing how my choices have affected my life.
Second, I AM lucky to be married and have a family that likes me… in fact, I am lucky that my wife and boys LOVE me. I have never disputed this fact, nor have I avoided it in my blog. They are lucky to have my love as well… but I’m a good husband and father… loving our family is what we good husbands and fathers do.
Third, I am not whiny. It is sooo unfair of you to call me whiny when you don’t even know me. What do you know, anyway. It is people like you who dare think you know another person based solely on a blog who make life so unbearable. Your biased observations are sooo unfair. Okay… maybe I tend to whine from time to time…
And then we go into your personal history…
I reserve the right to approve all comments on this blog. I do this to keep the spam to a minimum and to prevent my blog from being overrun by trolls. I came really close to denying your comment because it was so… so… personal. It was like you personally took great offense with what I have written. Seriously?!? My blog isn’t meant to be that serious. However, because you took the time to write a seemingly heartfelt comment that is probably the longest comment I have ever received on my blog, I felt obligated to post it. Usually, when someone writes a negative comment on my blog, I go all sarcastic and make fun of the person via the comment they have made. I could have done that with your comment, but that would have just been plain-old mean. I really am not a mean person… in fact, I am very nice… sickeningly nice… nice to the point that I let people walk all over me and I become more and more bitter about the fact that people are walking all over me… but I digress. To make fun of your comment would just be mean. I am sorry you had asthma as a child. I am sorry that you experienced the pain of watching your child go through surgery. My youngest had meningitis at the age of… I don’t know… like 3-days?!? He was hooked up to IVs and was in the hospital again a day or two after his birth. I was terrified. He pulled through, and I an grateful. He has had various health issues ever since, but overall is a healthy, feisty 7-year-old… and he is still a pain-in-my-ass from time to time. Did he have sections of bone cut out of his leg? No, no he did not. But we are lucky to have him with us today. You tell me I need to cry my eyes out. Been there… done that… many times over the course of bringing up two boys who are integral parts of my life… and with a wife who is an extension of myself.
You claim that people who have “real problems” don’t pick bitterness as a “modus operandi”. I think you may be misinformed. There are those who, having experienced problems, take what they learned and strive to look for the positive in life. There are also those who let the “real problems” of life defeat them, and they end up trying not to drown in the filth of the cesspool that they have let their lives become. I had a friend who, right out of high school, married the girl of his dreams. Shortly after they married, she gave birth to their first child. Shortly after the birth, she left him. Shortly after she left him, she committed suicide. That was almost 20 years ago. I lost touch with that friend shortly before they had that first child. I recently found a mutual friend, and I asked how he was doing. He is slowly killing himself through the abuse of alcohol and drugs… and has been doing so for the past 20 years. I guess he didn’t get your memo that anyone who “gets away from a real problem doesn’t pick bitterness as a modus operandi.” Or maybe there are those who never “get away” from the original “real problem”?
Thank you for the observation that at least some of what I write is funny. More often than not, this is what I am shooting for. Many of my posts (which I am guessing you haven’t read) are HILARIOUS! Don’t believe me?… just ask me. You instruct me to “go ahead and be bitter, but be bitter with some life awareness, a bigger picture.” For crying out loud… does a blog entitled “Happy Stinking Joy” with a picture of a turd with fangs as part of the header seem like the kind of place where you would expect to go to learn valuable, positive life lessons? Come on! This is a rant blog. If I could inspire others to look at the big picture and find the true meaning of their lives… I would probably be doing that for a living and enjoying it… instead of answering irate customer’s questions about why their stinking Internet isn’t working and not enjoying it.
I take great offense at your comment that you are glad I’m not a teacher. I’d be a great teacher. I’m great with kids! I love kids. In fact, I relate to kids way better than I relate to most adults. Being around kids makes me feel young. Being around most adults just pisses me off. My snide remarks about teachers’ salaries were meant to be fictitious. The average teacher makes more money than me. I’d love to make more money… doing something I love… and having summers and holidays off. I really do envy teachers… at least the ones that don’t suck (which I wouldn’t).
My kids ARE hilarious (and I actually have included some slight references to their antics in some of my posts) and my wife is nuts (but the stabilizing force in our marriage, and I have included some of her wisdom in my posts as well). The main reason I don’t focus on my family as the primary subject of my blog is… I promised my wife, when I first started writing Happy Stinking Joy, that I would never make our family the primary focus of this blog. She is very against our private life becoming the focus of something available to the entire wired-world… and I respect her wishes.
I’m not missing life… I’m just choosing to focus on the stuff that creates a typical “mid-life crisis” in this blog. This is what I can write with confidence and write relatively well… because this is the point I have reached in my life. I am guessing from your comment that you are probably somewhere in your 20s, and you have been married for 5 years or less. I am in my 40s and have been married for almost 17 years. I really think you probably just don’t “get” me and my little blog. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m thinking that if you wait 15 to 20 years, you could probably revisit Happy Stinking Joy and either find me hilarious, or at least find your self nodding your head in agreement as you read…hopefully with a smile on your face 🙂
Sincere thanks, once again, for your comment.